I couldn't feel for Cambodia, for once.....

Yesterday, yet another construction accident happened, this time round in Ayer Rajar area. The effect was more devastating than the previous one along Nicoll Highway. I wonder how people are taking this.. whether they qustion why things like that are happening? or whether... they have gotten more 'immuned' to incidents like this.

I was very much affected by the first incident whenever I read the papers. The sense of sadness juz comes upon me when I think how these pple trapped must have felt... as well as how those whos' lives are intricatedly tied to theirs may have their entire life changed.. tears will well up even though I have absolutely no idea who they are.

This time round, I dun tink I'm as emotional about it. But I feel weird.. I do not even noe how to describe the feeling. Disturbed? Maybe.. but its more than that. But til now, I still do not understand that feeling. Also, I do not noe what to think. I question why these happened. Is God trying to say something? Or at least, wat does He have to say to me about this incident?

I was informed by DR abt this incident juz before I left my place for STV's place for dinner before the Cambodia night prayer watch. After reception of the news, I din feel like going out. I was confused... I cldn't reconcile being in church praying for Cambodia when right here at home, we are facing this tragedy. Wat is our role as Christians when things like that happened? I have no answer to that. But I was juz distracted all night. I couldn't feel for Cambodia. I couldn't think about it. Hence, I cldn't pray for it, despite my physical presnence in the sanctuary with the rest of the congregation. At the end of the day, i ended up praying for what was in my heart... for my class 312, and for Singapore. i tried to pray for those affected by the accident, but... after sometime, i 'gave up' praying in understanding.. becoz i simply do not noe wat to pray for those pple.

Until now, i still dunno what to tink.. or wat to pray. My brother spoke to me yesterday night. He told me that sometimes God changes us, changes our thinking, our perspectives when we pray... when we dunno how to pray.. its a matter of yielding to His will... well,... i am just... waiting and seeing wats happening.

Hmm.. i think they are going to lock up the staff room oredi. Supposed to meet CRN at 7... but she still haven't called me!! shall continue entry later becfore they lock me in. This is certainly not the place i wanna spend my weekend!!

Did a couple of things today... fixed appointment w CRN finally!! after like months? gosh.. at least something done... got about 5 - 6 other pple to do scuba diving w me in jun!! yeah.. so exciting... :)

Went to school today. Ny CT had a shock when she saw me, cos i dun tinkshe was expecting me. went down cos i din wan 311 t omiss any lesson w me today. somemore i scheduled remedial w them today.... later d class asked y i still went to sch in stead of staying home.. i just told them 'cos i hv hope in you..' lol.... its really nice to see so many students 'concerned' abt my hand... curious concern? kaypo concern? i dunno... lol... but i hope they noe tt they matter to me... lots.... while teaching mapreading during class, it was so funny cos my handwriting w my RH was juz kiddish on d whiteboard... so one notti boy said 'cher u need me another left hander to write 4 u'... lol... my CT was ard. she was v sweet n helped me draw some diagrams (the line scale n contour lines) on d whiteboard when she noes it'll b tough 4 me (n my studentsd!! to figure out wat i was drawing... lol). she even offered to take over during d second period!!! so nice of her.... after sch during remedial w d class, i decided to tap on d 'notti' students to write d answers i was going thro on d wbk on d whiteboard.. so 3 notti boys had their turn. it seems to work quite well to assign them with such 'immpt' tasks... d class had a gd laugh. :-P

met up w V n JS for dinner. did a 'spot check' at JS's 'chalet camp' where he studies for his pilot course... pretty old house.. but d smell n d walls there reminds me of all d camps i used to go to during my youth days!! d sense of nostalgia... we went to chomp chomp for dinner... first time there ever... got stuck there cos of really heavy rain!!! finally i suggested we borrow brollies from some pple there so V can get to his van. i thot i'll hv to end up asking (cos knowing typical guys, they will neva ask for directions, or help for tt matter, n being out w 2 guys... hmm....) but b4 i cld do it, V went to approach some diners n borrowed d brollies frn them!!! way to go V!!!we got lost in AMK area thereafter n ended up having Mackies cheap 25cents ice-cream. lol..... really enjoyed d company of two little boys... lol... they really made me laugh tonite.

juz got bk home. enjoyed my day.... got lotsa things tom... LP i owe my CT for today, prep for fri class, music assignment, prac file (my sup juz dropped bombshell he wans it next week!!), marking which i gave up doing today (still one-hand swords-lady today.. lol) ... go sgh... n some cambodia nite thingee.... *yawn*

enjoyed myself today... thank You Daddy.... *smile*

i'm so bored....

spent a day not doing much. lets see... tv, finished up on my worksheet n pwpt on map-reading for tom's class (std is crap tho), watched the King n I dvd (1st time in a long while i finished a film at one go), ate a LOT, finally called up d guy to check things on scuba-diving... generally.... boring day.

d most exciting thing tt might hv happened wld b francis ho, tis retiree principal who takes us for 516 who called the whole world (the sec sch, my geog classmate) except me!!! loooking 4 me urgently . *faint* well, he thot my essay's intro was similar to EV. well, of course we are teqching in d same sch.... watever... d point is... our essay bodies r differnt!!! gosh now d whole wide world is prob wondering wat i did!!

feeling extremely unmotivated now. cant get anything started...d marking.... so much stacking waiting for me... :( n there's d music assignmneny due tis weekend too.... there's d cambodia eng thingee i hv to tink abt too...if only my hand is free to function s per norm... sighz.....

tink i'm gonna just listen to some music n read? but read wat? something easy to flip n hold w a hand without d book pages flipping over n closing itself eaily... lol... listening to duke ellington's pieces now... pretty cool... *smile*

my thots r running way ahead of my typing....

had my hand surgery today... so tis is just a feeble attempt to 'pen' down my thots... too many thots... too few fingers... altho i must say i m improving leaps n bounds in terms of the speed i type 'single-handedly'....

The Surgery
It was an 'interesting' experience... well, i'm not called an 'experience-junkie' for no reason. not a comfy experience (can b really tiring n to somewhat painful exp)... but i'm pretty grateful cos in a sense... now i can noe wat pple feel n go thro hen they undergo surgery... sure, mine's a minor surgery... but i'd rather learn it thro a minor surgery than a maj op!!

The nurses were really nice pple. I was so extremely blur... The sensations i felt on my hand were really weird at the different parts of d surgery. Sometimes its as if my hands were raised over extended periods of time resulting in shoulderache, at other timesit was pins n needles, yet in the final section, it felt like lead... so dense n heavy... At d end of d surgery, my entire arm was... lol.... blue? black? just looked horrid. lol... n wat was d first thing i did when i got off the operating table? I 'punched' the nurse!!! lol... well see, they were helping me put my hands thro d gown n my hand fell under d control of gravity (i've lost control n sense of my entire limb), n.... 'punched' her on her face... i was really apologetic abt it... tho we all laughed n made a joke out of it... d next time i punch someone with my bandage still on... i can claim d loss of cobtrol over my limb. lol... hmm.... which student will suffer? mua ha ha ha...

in any case, d surgery was 'more than my expectations'. i was expecting a minor minor op... just turn up, sit there, 30 mins n we r done.... but NO..... i had to remove my nail polish... lenses... put on d gown... etc etc... b underobservation for n hr... etc etc... n it took like at least 3 hours??? still... it wasn't bad cos i noe my Daddy was w me... so it was just... a procedure... and n experience....

I'm proud of myself... I'm happy w my life... I'm not settling tt easily
for turning up for d surgery by myself (urm.... God comes under a different category)... frpm d beginning til d end in going to d phrmercym going home n all, i felt proud of myself... for being 'brave' n 'independent'. alrite, some may say.. "cheap thrill...." but it meant quite a bit to me. *smile* this sense of achievement of being independent coupled w how fulfilling i feel my life has been makes me realize tt i m so satisfied w my life rite now tt... seriously... 'i dun need a guy'. dun get me wrong... wat i mean is tt.. i m not gonna juz settle for a guy whom i like... its gotta b more than tt... s in, i will only give up my 'swinging' status only if being w d other party makes my life juz s fulfilled, if not more... okiez... i hear pple disagreement... but tis is juz my view!! in any case, sure, how do u define fulfilment rite? i'm not getting into tt... but in essence, i'm not juz settling tt easily.... sounds a litl feminist oredi? lol (den again, i'm such an emotional n sentimental freak tt if i chamge my stand, dun use tis to hold against me!!! lol)

The things we take for granted
Try the following:
1. Brush your teeth with your left hand if you r a right hander, and vice versa;
2. well, first you have to squeeze d toothpaste onto ur toothbrush;
3. Type an email with ONE hand;
4. Take your dinner only with a fork using your 'minor' hand.

alrite. no one will try them... but trust me, its a big big hassle. do you noe how masny mins hv passed since i started on tis entry? (yeah, its a long entry, but typing w one hand really aggravates it?) it takes me forever to shower now? i can no longer multi-task, typing n eating at d same time? n d list goes on....

okiez. i'm getting bored myself. d entry is getting too long... i'm tired... its 50mins since i begun working on this... i cant believe i manage to 'pen' down my many thots for today!!! hooray... enough... period.

they say they'll make it hell for me... I will try to bring my bit of heaven to them....

Remedy 1 with food did not help. Got me sick instead. *chuckle*
Remedy 2 with sleep did not help. Cos it came too late. lol

This is not a remedy... Or is it? oh, watever. This is what I have made up my mind to do yesterday. I can either lament, whine, grumble, pity myself about it; blame it on students and wonder about the perceived maliciousness of students; adopt a defensive approach and just go to school, prepare lessons and get them over and done with (meaning, forget about motivating them and finding new strategies since it doesn't seem to be worthwhile), or I shall continue to choose to consider the well-being of the entire class and not 'condemn' them to be unworthy of my efforts and heart. I have chosen the latter.

See, technically,it is the same thing. I'll still have to turn up in class, and teach. However, it is entirely different right from the root of teaching. I have chosen this path because I want to make a difference, however small. If I'd continue to delve in my own feelings, there is no way I can do what I started out wanting to do. I'm glad I did that. Even though I saw many blank pages in the test today (with students honestly confessing to me they did not study when probed), I saw smiles and guilty faces (for handing in the blank sheets). The situation is probably not as bad as it seems to be... I still have no idea how to motivate them. Frankly, if I were in their positions, I see no point in studying about oil palm!! I can only do my best to show them that learning does matter... that values do matter... that... i do not discriminate/pick on them (like some may perceive me to).... question now is, how else to bring my bit of heaven to them? in so little time too?

I dunno wat i'm talking about oredi. lol... but i'm glad i made the choice to try to bring my bit of heaven to them... its either that.. or me really living in the 'hell' they wanna make for me... i dun tink i'm stoopid... lol.. so of course its heaven. :) and I think my Daddy up there is happy too... *smile*

The lure of bad boys.....

A good guy fren of mine once asked me this question "why do girls like bad boys?" As the Chinese saying goes "Nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai". How true is this statement? Many guy frens of mine I'd consider under the category of 'good men' laments to me how they lose out to the 'bad boys'. Even this guy fren who posed me question couldn't understand why his 'good man' frens are still swinging bachelors.

Before I address that, first we have to verify that statement as to how 'true' it is. Do girls like bad boys in the first place? Do I like bad boys? I'm not sure. I am attracted to one lately. Yet, it is not because he's a bad boy. It'd be other traits of him that attracts me. But are those traits missing in the 'good men' and more commonly found in 'bad boys'? *ponders*.... So, perhaps we are attracted to certain traits of bad boys? Let's see.....

Why do gals like bad boys?

1. There is an innate thing in many (please note, certainly not all, I do not want any females bashing me up after this.. lol) females to wanna change the bad boys... Its a maternal thing? A nurturing thing? I may be totally wrong. But this is a preposition proposed by one of my female frens in church, who advises us that "Although we like bad boys, remember gals, we must only get married to good men." lol...

2. Bad boys are 'unpredictable'. Yeah, they make our lives hell sometimes. But yet, the unpredictability does spice things up. You'll neva know what to expect from them... They know how to make you feel happy (sometimes!! most of the time, like crap tho), but these little perks.. does make a difference in foolishly emotional creatures like us. Good men, on the other hand, hmm... tends to be more 'steadfast' and 'predictable' to the point where it gets... routine sometimes? boring is a more negative adjective to describe the feeling? but you get my point? That, to me, is where they lose out, especially in the initial stage of attracting a gal.

Hmm... I've just decided that I'm not attracted to that bad boy because of the above reasons. It'd be other qualities I see that that person. Meaning, I'm not specifically attracted to bad boys (hence, how true is that statement?) Yet, I am certainly not attracted to the 'good men' because... somehow I just can't? I mean, they bore me, seriously... lol.. sounds like i'm in trouble heading this way.

Well, in any case, 'good men' out there, don't worry. At least, based on my fren's advice that "Although we like bad boys, remember gals, we must only get married to good men", good guys should finish well, albeit a little later. *chuckles*

Disclaimer: Please note, I am not speaking for all the females in the whole wide world. This is just based on my experience as well as from experiences of people who shares their views with me. Of course, if you think this is just a shallow view of a shallow person, think whatever you wish. *chuckles*

remedy for wat happened today....?

i tried KFC chicken, 5 slices of chocolate cake, some creamed biscuits, loads and loads of chips..... watever i see on the table and the fridge......

effectiveness of remedy: i feel more sick now....

next remedy me gonna try: go to bed.... and kiss today goodbye....

they said they'll give me hell....

yes. that's wat my nitemare class told their art teacher... that they'll give me hell during my next observation. they did. i did badly for my observation today, but still, i insisted to my CT to consider it a formal observation because I cannot bear the thot of having one more extra observation with this class. Still have one last one to clear with them on monday.

wat happened during class? so many things that i cannot be bothered to type them out. i dunno wats gonna happen during the next observation. my fren kept saying 'dun worry'.. but see, i'm not worried. they can give me all the hell they want to... but i'm disappointed.... disappointed that despite all the trying.. being nice to them... etc... (of course i will tell them off every single lesson because they neva bring books, come in late, sleep in class, etc), all the efforts put in.... (i tink abt this class the most, how to make things interesting, how to help them, how to manage my time to ensure they can complete the syllabus before the midyear.. which i'm really really doubtful, give them priority for remedial classes).... this is wat they think of me... i was also shocked given that i was quite sure i'd won some of the gals and guys as well over.

so wat have i done wrong? maybe they tink i'm just a proud trainee who thinks highly of myself...maybe they feel that i discriminate against them, that i like to pick on them (esp some of the boys)... maybe they feel that i'm negative towards them since i always start off each lesson 'picking on something' to scold them, without fail.... ... i can understd y it can get unmotivating with me around like that.... but... surely i haven't made their lives so miserable that they wanna do such a malicious thing to me? on my observation? to get back at me?

yes.. they manage to get back at me... not by making me fare poorly during my observation... but rather, somewhat breaking my heart. okiez.. tt can be extreme.. breaking my heart? but seriously, its disappointing.

yet later during the break of the staff meeting, i spoke to students from other classes... its all smiles... i asked one of the students to teach me guzheng casually, and she told me.. okiez.. after exams (i was so tempted to tell her i won't be ard oredi by then... but i resisted the temptation to...)...

i dunno.. i'm just confused now... wat shld i do to improve my relationship with this class? or rather, this handful of students, whom i'm not even sure exactly who... who are so affected by me in a negative manner... how do i make reconciliation possible given the lack of time, the pressure of completing the syllabus, and not even noeing exactly who they are and why they feel that way? Or do i have to live with the fact that in my profession, i will definitely antagonize some pple.. and tt's just the way that it is?

The Nitty-Gritties of a Friendship......

I have a very close fren who got upset after she read my blog. Why? Nope, I did not say anything offensive. Nope, I did not bitch behind her back. Nope, I did not reveal any secret which I haven't confided in her... Nope, she's wasn't upset with me. She was upset with herself. Why so? Because she felt that she was unworthy to be my fren since she did not noe the many nitty-gritties that had been happening in my life... like running in macritchie, like having new babies keiki and cookie... and the list goes on....

So, how much do we need to know of our frens before we can call ourselves true frens? As much as possible? Perhaps... But does knowing many things necessarily help us become better frens? To me, a true fren is one who is there when needed. One who remembers the other even when they do not see each other, even when they do not hear each other's voice. And on the day when they finally meet, 'click', they can immediately share their deepest thoughts and feelings even with the 'physical void' that has been between them for a while. Whilst my fren felt upset about herself, I'd like to let her know that she is still one of my closest fren whom I can pour out my fears, my thoughts, my dreams, my concerns (and vice versa), whom we can pray together, and pray for each other. Of course, we may not understand exactly what the other party is going through, but being there to listen, to love, to support, to pray.... that's what I call true frenship.

That, however does not give me the excuse not to make it a point to meet up with frens to catch up. As far as possible, I believe it is necessary. Actions speaks louder than words. Yet, in our given context where everyone is allotted our respective responsibilites we are to excel in, the crux no longer lies in the nitty-gritties... but in the heart...

Frenship.... a wonderful gift... can bring pain... but at the end of the day.. we smile to see what we have learnt and gained from the pain. It may be bitter... but like dark chocolate..... bitter sweetness is something to be savored.....

Sick and tired of LPs...

Just finished one LP for my geography. This is my third LP for the day. Yes, compared to my other frens, I may be doing 'less' LPs.... but slowly... the preparation of LPs is eating into me... I am seriously sick and tired of LPs... Why is it humanities' LPs have to be so detailed? Is it innate in the humanities pple to be so detailed? I've seen the Maths and Science LPs... Man, they are my dream. Short, sweet, and simple.... Well, alrite, it doesn't matter what subject it is, how detailed they are.. I"m just can't imagine having to type out anymore... :( Getting real tired..... Getting real bored.....

So what is boredom? Quoting one guy who is really 'successful' in Singapore, he says that when one feels bored when one does not find meaning in wat he/she is engaged in. Meaning, I can have an uninteresting person talking to me, but if I find meaning in our conversation, I"m not bored. Conversely, I may have the most animated and beautiful person talking to me, but if i find no meaning in the conversation, I'm bored. And hence, I'm bored.. very bored.. EXTREMELY BORED... because I find no meaning in doing the LPs... I find no meaning in a lot of things I do... at least for today.. I'm bored and tired!! Thankfully, I happened to be chatting with my brother. He was really kind enough to give me a 'pep talk'. I'm Ms Queen of Pep Talk to my students.. but yes, I do need the pep talks to push me too. I'm no Ms I Wanna Help People all the time... I need people to help me too.... lol.... I hope I'll be optimistic and not delve in my own little world tomorrow. *chuckle*

Went for my run again today. My stamina has gone down to zero since I fell sick. Not sure if I can pick it up again, because it seems really tough. En route back home, I bumped into two of my MPSS students again. They told me they've aced their geography test. *smile* So I said "When I teach you, you do badly. WHen I"m gone, you aced your tests.... " *chuckle*... So they said... "its all ti-kam cher"... Seriously, how do you ti-kam geography? Granted, Secondary Two geography is easier to score and understand then Secondary One geography (surprised? its true.) But certainly, it does say something about my teaching last year rite? lol... sighz... Anywayz, I told them that the Secondary Two syllabus is such that if you are well-informed by reading the papers, you do not have to study much and just 'smoke' your way through. lol... that got them asking me about the land subsidence of Nicoll Highway. I simply told them my hypothesis of why it happened.. and they were like 'oh....'. lol... Yeah, I do smoke my students too... but its logical smoking!!! lol... Anywayz, it was good to see and talk to my ex-students. :) Got me thinking how teaching in a non-neighborhood school will differ. Den again, at the end of the day, I am seriously leaving it to God to post me. Its not gonna be MOE, but God. *smile*

So, with regard to the subsidence of the Nicoll Highway, what do I have to say about this? Well, I thot this day will come. Since few years back, I oredi 'predicted' a day like this will come. *chuckle* Let's put it this way. We are piling this little island with skyscrapers on the surface, and underneath, we are hollowing it out.. with the MRT tracks, with CTE, currently with the Circle Line and whatever underground tunnel that is coming along the way, how on earth can this be supported? Yupz. The enginners have crutched numbers and numbers... calculations show that it is safe.. structurally sound. But how far can we trust these 'simulations'? I may be too critical. Just my view. I may be extremely wrong, since I am so not a science person. But its just my 10 cents point of view... *chuckle*

Hypothesis aside... what do I learn? Nothing much. But try paralleling this to a person's life. Pressures outside hit us every single day, just like the heavy weight of the skyscrapers and whatever 50-storeyed flats they are gonna build on Duxton Plain. If within we allow ourselves to be hollowed out, bit by bit by bit by bit each day.... wat's gonna happen?

Okiez, I'm talking crap oredi I noe. See, I'm BORED... tt's y.. ... lol .. Think I shall crap more people by replying to their emails now... lol... its less boring then LPs or PWPTs or Map reading.....

A pleasant surprise....

Spent a great deal of time catching up with some of my frens online yest. It was good. The best part comes from a fren from campus. We haven't caught up for very very long... and she owes me an appointment on MONDAY AFTER PRACTICUM!!! DUN YOU DARE FORGET!!! lol

Well anywayz, this fren said something which surprised me. But it was a pleasant surprise. See, I was just lamenting on how I just keep meeting the wrong type of guys. *chuckle* (Hey, its tiring okiez!!) And her reply was "God will path our way.. :-)". I was like... cool!!! I din expect her to remind me about God's faithfulness. And the msg later left me even happier. She revealed to me that she signed up some bible study thing and that I had influenced her without even knowing it. *grin* oh... I was kind of stoned to feel happy happy last night, but seriously I am. I wish you all the best, and I pray that you will find God gal. :)

Caught up with an old old fren last nite. Will expound on my definition of real frenship next time. Meanwhile, I'm too stoned to think deeper to express myself properly. lol

The rest of the things that happened since last nite? Hmm... boring oredi. One of my students made my wallpaper disappear from my notebook while he was setting it up during class!!! I seriously have no idea how he managed to do it. I can't even locate that wallpaper anymore. :( Man, these kids are so 'adorable' I 'love' them so much. lol... Sent more kids to detention today. My scheduled formal observation did not come to pass because of... #$%^^#... Tiring day... but good to be able to sit down here... smelling nice and feeling clean. The weather lately has been... a furnace!! *Yawn*.... *Can't think anymore*

Does it strike you that I'm a teacher?

Within 24 hours, I got to know two different people on two different occasions. They gave me completely different responses. LOL.

Got to know JO in a private party last night at CHIMES. Cos I din noe anyone else in the group except the fren who invited me, she was really sweet to come over and talk to me. Really enjoyed her company. Now I've found someone who might do scuba with me in Jun. Yippees. But the farnie thing was that, when I told her that I'm an educator/teacher/hunter (watever, lol), she was really surprised. She thought I was in some sort of marketing line or the like because of how I carried myself and urm, how I look? But it was nice to know someone new, even at my age!!! whom I can click with. :)

This morning during service, I got to know Sam. She's a mother of two and looks really young!! Well, its nice, the way we got to know each other. We were just doing the usual 'ritual' of going round and greeting the other church members.She was in the same pew as me. She just smiled and asked me "hey, you are not playing on stage today?" Then I was like "oh yes, I'm not down this week." Well, that got us going. I decided to move over to sit beside her and we had a short conversation (see, service is on, so we can't talk too much). But its really nice to know someone from church. I never believe that I'll actually get to know the other church pple I've never known in church like that. But it was really nice. :) I hope to get to know her better with time. Oh, okiez, I've digressed. But after church service she asked me whether I'm a piano teacher. So I just told her I'm not, just a music teacher in secondary school. And she told me that I impressed her as a music teacher!!! or at least a teacher. *chuckle* I was like.... huh? What about my face? LOL... But she said I just displayed the features of a 'nice' teacher. lol...

Well, so, do I strike you as a teacher? Hmm..... I don't know. lol. But one thing Sam told me which encouraged me, is that she says that she thinks I can make a difference and am doing something good in teaching. (Cos I look like it? lol... watever). But it was a nice affirmation. I mean, I hardly know this lady, but yet hearing from someone an encouragement to teach and help the teenagers (oh gosh, God knows how much of Him and love these kids need today) really affirms me... and the calling the God has in place for me, well, at least for now.

So what has been good in my life these two days I've missed out on my blog? Hmm... Getting to know new people. :) Meaning, I can spread more love around. Mua ha ha ha. Of course, get more love from people too!!! lol Was out quite a bit this weekend, spending time with all my different frens. So that's really good for me. But ... oops... I still have to work hard with my old-timer frens!!! argh.... OH OH.. before I forget... another good thing in my life: I got news from XXX that they did request for me!!! *grin* Apparently they forgot to inform me. Well, but I was explaining to some of my frens that the reason why I felt happy they requested for me was not because I have the chance of 'escaping' from neighborhood schools. God knows how much I feel for neighborhood schools and the students (certainly not the exploitation from schools though!!). But rather I was happy because, I felt like.. at least I'm 'wanted' somewhere.. mua ha ha ha... hmm... all these egocentricness. :-P

Alrite. Had so much fun this weekend.. its time to start work......

Of Breast Milk and Powdered Milk....

which is better? what is the effect on the infant? and would there be any long term effects on a person's development? *chuckle*

I'm not into baby stuff even though I've recently joined the rank of being an auntie. :) But of late, the saga of breast milk vs powdered milk just kept surfacing in my conversations with people. Don't ask me how on earth that happened. I have no idea at all... it just ... happened. lol

Well on Sunday when I visited my sister and the little rascal, my mom and eldest sister were just telling me how breastfeeding is much more beneficial to the baby. We looked at the output from my little nephew, it was... hmm... not solid. *chuckle* I was informed by the wiser that only those who are breastfed will produce such output. Those on powdered milk, will produce solid output, because its heaty? I dunno, don't ask me. I'm just saying what I heard. In any case, in my sister's words, "Powdered milk come from cows, not human. Why are our babies consuming milk from cows and not human beings?" I never questioned that, being brought up a 'converted' powder milk baby.

Today, this retired teacher who is doing contract in my school just chatted up with me. The school witnessed a public caning session in the morning. One boy was physically agressive towards his teacher (I heard that he slapped her!!!) So in the staffroom while I was working on my 516 essay, this old teacher asked me, "What would you do if you face such a student?" He was being nice, trying to share his many many years of experience with me. (He started teaching in 1961!!) One preposition he came up with with respect to why student profile and behavior had changed so much over the years is.... because they consume... urm.. powdered milk instead of breast milk? What he said was similar to that of my sister's, that 'they are brought up drinking milk from animals, not human beings!!' Well, it certainly is an interesting preposition. I'm not sure how true it may be, but I certainly wouldn't write off that preposition and think that interesting research studies can be carried out on that!! Certainly many other factors come into play, the debate of "Nature or Nurture" is still carried out in many pyschological and human development studies... but have anyone ever thought of what we feed our kids with? *chuckle*

Alrite, breast milk and powdered milk aside, the teacher posed me an interesting question. "So who's fault do you think it is that students behave the way they do now?" I attribute it to the society at large, the competitiveness of our society. Can't see the link? See, because of the need to remain competitive in our society, parents face pressures which they assert on their children, for their good (or so they think). And hence, the problems teachers face with parents. Students as well. Next, survival in this competitive place has caused many parents to concentrate on their career. Many students I know do not get enough love and attention at home, and hence, they behave the way they do in schools, many a times rooting from the lack of self-esteem and self-awareness given they weren't given the love and attention at home. *sighz* Of course technological advances changing the modes of communication and procurement of information through the Internet also contributes to these changes... Oh no, this is becoming an education essay!!! I'm done with my 516. Why am I still expouding on these? *faint* lol

Okiez, time to start work on map-reading and setting tests. Its gonna be a busy week again.... Gonna watch the Passion of Christ tomorrow. Hopefully it will come to pass and not end up like yesterday evening.. lol...

Eventful Day....

Event 1:
Was dumped additional 2 periods of relief which shld belong to my CT. (oh watever). well, it was fruitful because i spent time going through geography with two of my students who happen to be in that class. Time spent was good cos i can actually make time to get to know them better and really help them on a more personal note. At the end of the day, one of the students even waved to me and like talked to me as if i was her fren. *smile*

Event 2:
Dumped with NAFTA for next week. We are supposed to help out for NAFTA on Tues, Wed, Thurs AND Fri next week from 4pm to 6pm!!! Wat do those people think? We hve no life?!?!? Wat can i say? Just take it on and.... smile.. i mean.. smile or complain, we still have to take it.. might as well make my life better by taking it easy... we need someone here who can run a resistant movement man!!

Event 3:
Had my classroom observation done by my nie sup. THis is the second and the LAST session with him!! *chuckle* he's a sticky man when it comes to LP. And during post-ob conference, he will really squeeze out the last ounce of brain juice from ya. But he always manage to achieve his objective, and that is to really make me think and reflect. I always appreciate his feedback and suggestions (of course i tend to be critical about them, meaning i will challenge his suggestions too!!! and he tells me that too. :-P).. but the stress one has to undergo .... gosh..... it was a 45min post-ob conference today... but was fairly inspired. :)

Event 4:
Brought JN to Little India to get threading done. I did my brows too.

Event 5:
En route home from Little India, suffered from a major tummy upset.. so had to alight earlier, got to JN's place and.... hee.. borrow the little cubicle in the kitchen. drats....

Event 6:
Decided to go watch Passion of Christ last minute with V. When we arrived at PS at 7 plus, den did we realize the film was screened later than listed... nvm... BUT even so, the only available tix were first row tix!!! No way am I gonna subject myself to such misery.. so ... went for late dinner instead. Oh, i finalyl got my music stand too!!! (after months of wanting it!!! how slow i am.. now i dun even really noe if i'll use it anymore!! but simply its been on my 'to-buy-list' for too long, i just got it anywayz)

Event 7:
Dinner at my fav dim sum place in geylang. Ate a whole lot again (wat's new? I ALWAYS over-order at that place.. sighz.. neva learn my lesson... but it was V who suffered, not me... mua ha ha ha). JS came along and joined us too last minute. But dunno wats w that boy... suddenly so health-conscious, just refused to eat!!! i have like two GUYS being so POR MAH in the end trying to get each other to finish up the last two siumais... thinking back, its quite farnie... *chuckle*

Event8:
I'm sitting here making a record of all my events. Just so many things happening today... I have no time to think. TOO eventful... i need to slow down..... lol

but i just realize i have task at hand.... (bear with me.. this is my checklist to help myself rem)

Task 1:
Prepare LP for map reading, LP for hi-tech farming, pwpt for map reading, test for 303, retest for 311, remedial notes for 312, marking for 303 workbook.. and chasing after those who haven't handed in watever...

Task 2:
516 essay due on saturday

Task 3:
my sis just asked me to arrange some songs for choir or was it band? by friday?!?! need to get more details first...

The other tasks.... can wait... and now... i wanna sleep.... oh no!!! i need to clean up my babies habitat!! poor keiki and cookie.. haven't seen them today yet....

God's Love....

"He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will He not also, along with Him graciously give us all things? ... For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, niether the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8: 32, 38, 39.

More about my thoughts on this tomorrow... Meanwhile, the spirit is willing... but the flesh is weak... very weak....

What Can I Do....

by the Corrs

Me have been teaching this song to my school kids. Purpose was to teach them arrangement, how instruments etc have been selected to give it the effect. Now I realize this lyrics of the song.... makes the singer seem so.. helpless... But yet, so many of my students I noe, have probably been asking this question... "What Can I Do to Make You Love Me"... to their parents? to their frens? Hmm.... I wish I have some time to go through the lyrics and the meaning of the song... *ponders*

Anywayz, the second and final observation by my supervisor tom. ITS MUSIC LESSON!!! *faint* Thankfully, this class is 'okiez'. Still, its music lesson. *faint* Frankly, I neva ever have confidence in teaching music.. Maybe because it is such a 'subjective' subject? In any case, the LP has been sent. I'm just waiting to 'deliver' the lesson and hope nothing messes up. Pretty fatalistic ey? Like now, I can't do anything but just wait.. wait.. wait... lol.. can't meet fren for coffee... can't get any work done... just waiting for 1.15pm tom. lol..

Anywayz, the song.... I tried to get it on this website, but cldn't find it online, so can't load ... :(

I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better, yeah
If I don't try and I don't hope

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

No more waiting, no more, aching...
No more fighting, no more, trying...

Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just going to let it fly

What can I do to make you love me
(What can I do to make you love me)
What can I do to make you care
(What can I do to make you care)
What can I say to make you feel this
(What can I do to make you love me)
What can I do to get you there
(What can I do to make you care)
What can I do to make you love me
(What can I do to make you love me)
What can I do to make you care
(What can I do to make you care)
What can I change to make you feel this
(What can I do to make you love me)
What can I do to get you there
(What can I do to make you care)

And love me... love me...

[Fade out]

I need to start running soon...

slowly turning into this blob... blob blob blob blob... lol.. gross....

joy to be a blessing...

i felt a sense of joy when i read a fren's blog today. spent some time talking to each other yesterday after the sunrise service. felt the sense of joy because I felt like somehow, I made a person's day better (i hope!!!), that i have (hopefully) been a channel of God's blessing to a fren. :) its so good to be able to bless and to make a positive difference in others' lives. i hope i can do more of this... :) but sometimes, there are just so many people to care for, so many people to love... add that to my own self-centeredness and self-indulgence, how on earth do i do it? *ponders* see, i still haven't caught up with the pple i said i need to catch up with on friday. *faint*

School Today....
Had my 'best' lesson with 312 ever. First time they were 'positively' responsive... :) I felt happy when i saw that the faces were no longer blank, or sleepy. I think (my perception only!!) that this time round, they do understand what I was explaining at that very point of time. My CT even said two of the naughty Anthonys behind were asking each other questions relating to the lesson!!! *smile* ah... the simple things in life that makes me smile....

with 311 today, merely conducted a class test. yet to mark the scripts to see how they fared (meaning how i fared!!) *smile* so wat explains this smile? the fact that i could smile as much as i want with this class and not maintain this stern expression i have to for many other classes... i mean.. finally.. i can be myself in a class!!! :) I hope I'll have enough time to be like that with my other classes as well. its really $%&#$# to have to keep a straight and black face all day!!


i finally saw the little rascal

went to see my nephew for the first time yesterday. at first that little rascal refused to open his eyes!! lol. but only just before we left, he started to 'fuss' and like cry.. open his eyes, drink water, poo-ed!!! lol... i think he's gonna grow up to be a tall guy. Charming or handsome? I have no idea. I certainly hope so tho... auntie of a charming boy... kewl. *chuckle* it was funny that when i saw my sister's state (breast-feeding, sitting on the float, getting bullied by the little rascal), i was like *shudder* i dun wanna give birth!! not ever!! u dun get to exercise/run when you are heavily pregnant... u dun get to wash your hair during confinement, etc.. SCARY!!! but yet, seeing her being a mom.. lol.. makes me wanna be a mom for a day!! I think i should just psycho my sisters to give birth more, then i get to mother my little nieces and nephews without having to go through the scary process. lol... by the way, i'm pretty good at carrying the baby.. my mom and sister agreed!! lol anyone needs a babysitter? my charges are pretty high tho... ;)

gonna carry my old keyboard to school tom for my music lesson. gosh.. wat have i carried there in the short month? my notebook, my cd recorder... now my bulky keyboard?!?! i tink i'm gonna have a hard time bringing these things back in a month's time.. anyone offering your truck? *chuckle* gotta go clean my keyboard oredi....

The simple things in life....

i used to want to sell cakes.... be a helper in a small cake house. My job? Slice bread, stock up the counters, cashiering, talk to people coming to buy the cakes, bread and pastries. Nothing mentally challenging. Just talk about the little things going around the neighborhood. Like how the price of vegetables have increased, how the shop opposite has changed owner, how warm the weather has been lately, what's the latest fashion, how my customers' families are getting along.. den i will go home. no work to bring home. no need to think about tomorrow's work, or the day after's. The only drawback, I don't get to do any mentally-stimulating things. But my mind is freed up to think about a lot of other things, important things in life... and the little unimportant things we take for granted.

i used to just want to be a good mother and wife. Dedicate my life to take care of my spouse and child/ren. Ensure that my spouse will come home to a nice warm place. Bring my children up in an environment of love and belonging. Bring them up to be God-fearing, God-loving and first-hand God-experiencing pple.

i used to be easily contented, so easily contented some of my frens din noe wat to do with me. now? i've forgotten how it was like!! Within the last few years, I have gotten caught up in the rat race so common in Singapore. Now, I am a person who's quite hard on myself. I expect a lot from myself even though I might deceptively tell myself that I am not going to kill my 'life' over work. I get disappointed when I fall short of what I expect of my achievements and performance. Take my concern of grades for example... Take the chicken curry incident for example.... some little things.. and I get upset/uptight, when... they don't matter for eternity!! Just shorten my life by getting my heart to beat faster and my forehead to strain with stress.

i got so caught up in this whirlwind of events that i, without even realizing it, fell into this trap, into this whirlwind where there is no way out. Just go round and round... dizzying around until I'm so used to it I don't know I'm in it, and so never think of getting out.

It was only when I spoke to a brother and a sister on separate occasions on the same day that I realize where I was. G says that "you are still a sell-cake person".. *chuckle* Deep within, I think I'm still the fairly simple and easily contented person, if I can find that 'me' again somewhere deep within. The simple things in life.... *smile* i must learn to appreciate them again... need to find that 'sell-cake gal' again. :)

so deprived after three months.... and where are my frens?

i just realized i haven't shopped for THREE LONG MONTHS!!! and today, i was just buying anything that comes along the way!!! within 3 hours, in order of procurement, these are wat i got:

2 pieces of clothing
1 pair of earrings
1 pair of shoes
1 black waterbottle (at this age?!?! yeah!! lol)
stuff from body shop
THREE jazz cds from borders.... (tho i wonder when i can sit down to listen to them!!)

walked from one end of orchard to the other... well, to compensate for missing my runs for OVER A WEEK!! lol...

actually i had a good time. it was a long time since i found time to relax like that (minus the sleeping required for my body to recover itself. *chuckle*). had a good girly time with sandfly. its been a long while rite gal? :) i feel pretty good my life isn't centered around marking, thinking about how to make hi-tech farming interesting, thinking about how to motivate students, around practises or any types of meetings in church, thinking about how i should organize my time next week to prepare for classes, for my nie assignment due, etc.... thanks sandfly, enjoyed myself tonight. :)

now i remember i have so many frens i haven't found time to contact ever since i get caught up in the rat race.... AG, CH, CRN, SHP.... wat on earth have i gotten caught up in that i have forgotten to maintain my relationships? well, tho i can say, its the same for my frens too... it becomes more difficult as pple get so caught up with our daily lives... its easier to keep contact with my dear keiki and cookie. lol... well, i have to clean up their little habitat everyday wat.... cos they can be there anytime i'm free. lol... sigh... i tink we must try harder to rem how precious each relationship is..... :) AND THAT INCLUDES U EC!!! where have u been? so quiet!!! now that we are done with hi-tech farming... doesn't mean u disappear?!?! *chuckle*... after all, our relationship is more than mkt gardening/hi-tech farming/map-reading... and watever... lol....

time to snooze. gotta do a cross-country from the east to the wild wild west (more like ulu ulu west) for my CLASSROOM MANAGEMENT class in nie. *BLEAH* anywayz, tink my body is STILL recuperating.. after one week... yes.... sighz......

I am a hunter today....

same profession, different addresses... yesterday teacher, today hunter. *chuckle* i've finally decided to put my foot down on the slacking students who despite reminders, refuse to hand in their assignments. I gave them a written ultimatum yesterday. Specifically named those culprits and warned them that if I don't get what they owe me by today recess time, i WILL send them for detention. (as if i LOVE to mark their assignments....) No more Miss Nicey.. I will be mean if I have to in order for them to learn. so today, during the last period before school ends (which happens to be the only time i get to rest since the beginning of the day!!!) i rushed to catch those kids... some who still owes me the homework, and others who missed their retest. after which, it was rush rush rush... getting the assignments xeroxed for students who obviously misplaced theirs, and chasing away people trying to distract the students taking the retest. It was... mad.... sometimes, i do feel like my legs are gonna give way any moment as my head just almost went blank... but at least finally... i'm really at home resting now... sitting down.. not screaming at anyone, chasing anyone, hunting anyone down. LOL i sound like a mad woman i realized!!! oh, one interesting observation though, those who got hunted down, did not hate me. lol.. in fact, they were still smiling at me... hmm.. maybe they know they DESERVE IT!!! *chuckle*

during music lesson today, i simply had no energy to raise my voice. adopted a different strategy (cos i'm too tired). just stood there, expressionless, keep quiet and only talk when they are quiet. (that can take a very LONG time!!) and i refuse to raise my voice such that when they say they can't hear me, all i'll say is 'that's because i'm not gonna raise my voice. if u wanna hear me, then u just have to keep quiet!!' lol... it was so-so... some of the 'naughtier' students actually tried to get the rest to keep quiet cos i tink they are interested in the topic i was gonna teach. whether it'll work out for the next few lessons... i really have no idea... but at the end of it, there was a malay boy who came to me and asked whether they will get to do arrangements. ideally, they should. but i told him, its all subjected to time constraints and how fast they can learn. cos he and his frens were thinking of arranging the song 'stand by me' using guitar and piano. WAY COOL!!! i was so excited some students were so motivated!!! but alas... will we get there by the time i'm gonna leave? :( i'm not optimistic about that... :( poor boy he is.. i hate to disappoint him...

Its Maundy Thursday tonight. And I was just telling my brother that.... sadly, this week has just been like any week to me, tonight is just like any night to me. I don't even really 'remember' its Good Friday tomorrow... What has gotten into me? :( I mean, isn't this the period of time I'm supposed to... well, I don't even really know what I'm supposed to do!! But certainly, its supposed to be a special period of time for me to reflect and spend more time with my God to remember what he has gone through for me. The most 'relaxing' way would be to go and watch the movie 'Passion', but I 'can't even be bothered' with that because... this week has just been like any other week to me... :( Have I become so distracted with dealing with things, with people, with my thoughts that I have forgotten what ought to be in the center of my life? So, what ought to be in the center of my life? My God... to know Him personally... such that I can not only talk to Him (which I do), but such that I can 'hear' Him too... but perhaps my life have been too noisy? hmm..... yes... it has been.... time to be silent.... adios blog.....

I am a teacher.....

That sounds more... unprofessional and uncool than "I am an educator"... just like "I am a gardener" vs "I am an environmental sculptor". *chuckle* But today, I just find the word "teacher" more appealing... "teacher" sounds more... personal, relational.... "educator" sounds more.... goal-oriented, PROfessional....

Why do I feel this way? Perhaps its the "good morning cher"s from some of my students this morning that made me realize that not all my students hate me, *chuckle*; perhaps its the evaluation from my CT after the formal observation when she told me that she sincerely thinks that I have the makings to be a good teacher; perhaps its the informal and rubbishy chat I had with the 3 gals (one from 311, one from 312, and one from 313 which is urm not my class, 313??) after school and the fact that they are willing to meet me for remedial after school tom?

I think back to the days I first started practicum. I really really questioned why I am in this line. I really really questioned if it was a mistake. I questioned myself if I was up to the task. I questioned ... and questioned... and questioned... In a sense, I've come a long way since 5 weeks ago. And somehow, now I am certain of my calling once again, although I'm undoubtedly sure that one day, I will once again.... question.... when all that hard work seems wasted. Dunno when that will be, but perhaps recalling today may help me overcome that.... :) we'll see...

so for today...... I am a teacher..... :)

Back in school.... :)

its been a so-so day. still drowsy and spaced-out from the medication and virus, but on the overall, I'M NOT SICK!!! *chuckle* its also fortunate the today happens to be my 'freest' day, with only a music period, and that class happens to be the BEST music class i have despite it being a NA class... so what does that tell us about our perspectives of EXP, NA, NT classes? *ponders*

early in the morn i was dumped with two relief periods for the first two periods of the day. before i could even leave the staffroom for the relief, the HOD came and was intending to dump me with another relief on the THIRD period immediately after my first two relief periods... i'm like... HUH? just told her, but i'm oredi down for the first two!! my gosh, is the entire world sick now or wat? actually, apparently so. a couple of my music trainee frens who responded to my mail to the entire class (just to get our little forum, or oh well, complains? advice? going) told us that either they have been hit by the flu bug, or that have been the 'super-spreader'. *chuckle*

anywayz, was teaching the class 'motive' in music today. they seem to understand, or so i tink. but my CT who was doing the observation told me i did not assess enough to ascertain whether or not they really understood. oh well.... the funniest thing was that, i thot they knew how to sing the song i was teaching. Its 'What Can I Do' by the Corrs. I asssuuuummmmmeeed.... big mistake. *chuckle* Just because its a pop contemporary song doesn't mean the students will know it!! So instead of teaching them to sing in parts as i intended to in my LP, i ended up teaching them how to sing it LINE BY LINE!!! something i neva thot i'd have done as a music teacher!!! it was pretty funny cos the guys just like to 'echo' rather than sing the song!! also, while my back was facing them while playing accompaniment for them to sing the song, some little 'micey' out there were trying to be funny. I dunno, but this time round, somehow ... I KNEW!!!! so i 'frightened' them quite a bit... by staring at them after that and telling them... I CAN SEE WATS GOING ON BEHIND MY BACK...... mua ha ha ha.... :-P After the discussion with my CT, i think i really need to reconsider my entire SOW for this term. THis is the better class.. in fact, the one that has all the lessons in tact! the other classes always miss their periods, either because of library week, collection of funfair tix money.. or watever! so, at the rate they are going... i dun think i can cover what i intended to. so need to do a major revamp to the SOW... *faint*

Brought some work to mark. I told myself before I'll try not to do work at home.. but for this prac, i'm really breaking all the 'rules' i've set for myself... lol.. oh well, let it just be for practicum lah....

took a different route home from school.. it was a mistake. but nvm, i learnt from it. always good to try new things?

gotta start my engine going again... i hope to do it with more joy in the days to come. i still haven't found the answer to how to really, as in, REALLY care for my students, still need more time to ponder. or, maybe i just need to be more sincere... i dunno... :)

in any case, my next aim is to start running soon now that i'm on my way to full recovery... hmm.... maybe by thursday? *chuckle* *fingers-crossed*

btw, thanks to all those who have been concerned about my health and nagging me not to go school, to go sleep/rest, etc etc... :) i feel loved... thanks... :)

my fon's been ringing....

yeah... maybe i shld have just gone to school. *chuckle* every attempt to snooze is disturbed by my house fon ringing, either from my CTs asking for certain things, or from a brother-in-Christ asking for chords for the evening. almost given up in sleeping... though might give one more feeble attempt later. lol...

temperature dropped to 37.5. :) must recover by tomorrow!!! if not today is wasted!! tried to do some work. sending the LP and pwpt to my CTs took 1 hours!!! (because the pwpt file was too big!! attempted many times to send over, but failed). den tried to convert a dvd on agriculture into vcd format. once again, time wasted. i shld just not have touched things related to IT!!! lol.... finally gave up and decided to treat myself well. Watching CATS (still halfway through it). Watching the dancers really inspire me to continue my ballet classes!!! but alas, i missed the first session for this term cos i was sick... hmmm... doesn't help i'll miss a couple of lessons in jun as well...

5 more weeks of practicum. How have i faired so far? hmmmm.... not too sure. I try my best. But somehow i'm not satisfied. Has teaching become some sort of admin thing? Grumbling about each meeting that comes a long the way? Getting affected by students' behavior... Until now, I dunno if i've really touched base with any of the students. I know I have won some of them over. But, that to me, is not enough... So what is it that I really want? Why do I want to win students over? So that I may have an easier time teaching? So that they like me? So that they can learn better? So that I can 'produce results'? Is there anything wrong with those motives? What about, so that their lives may be affected? But, how to affect their lives? It seems so tough... or have i not given enough? 5 more weeks left. To make it more precise, 4 1/2 more weeks to go, 8 more observations. What am I going to do in these remaining days? Can't wait to leave practicum... but yet, isn't it a fatalistic way of looking at things? So what am I going to do in these remaining days? What can I do? *ponder*

37.9 Degree Celcius....

can i make it tom for the first two periods? lol.....

Three Weddings, Two Funerals, Two Stomach Flu and Two Flu....

since 01012004...... what an 'eventful' year it has been. *chuckle* at the rate I'm going, there's gonna be an average of like one wedding and one sick occurance every month... *CHOI* lol..... kindof strange cos i dun usually fall sick until this year. Strong as a bull... lol.. at the most sick once or twice a year? really dunno wats going on this year....

this morning was the 'search of the doctor' or 'search for an available doctor', ANY doctor. *chuckle* First one at the queue, the pple there informed doc will only be in at ten (when its stated in the card NINE!!!) and i can't wait til ten!! i need to be in church at ten!! so i tried my luck with another one near my place on my way to the busstop.... and no.. it is closed on Sundays. So pretty resigned, wondering to God "You really wan me to go by faith that YOu will heal me withOUT a doctor izit? :-P", i went to church. But cos i was a little early, i decided to try my luck at the clinic near my church.. and THANKFULLY IT WAS OPEN!!!! and not too crowded... :) went there to checkup for flu, only to get 'extra information' that i have heart murmur??? *murmur murmur murmur* LOL.... the doc there gave me a letter to pass to my fam doc (who opens at TEN!!! *grumble grumble* he wun be my fam doc for long hmph.) and see how after i've recovered. I'm not worried or even concerned, i mean, wat can happen rite? :) let tomorrow worry for itself... well, hmm.. if only i can say that about my students and classes and observations!!! *chuckle*

well.... church was pretty fun, playing the flute, minus the physical strain portion. see, its not really fun to play the flute when ur chest is aching from all the coughs and sneezes.. but i managed fine, in fact, worship was good. :) just after effects of backache was no joke... skipped the lunch gathering the worship min has cos i seriously needed to give this old back a break, *chuckle* only to realize there's no lunch at home... but i managed... :) now waiting for a sumptuous dinner.. Hee...

now still considering if i shld go to school tom... of all the classes, its my slowest and nitemare class that i'm worried about. to begin with, they are already way behind time, and now if i miss my lesson with them (plus the remedial) plus the Good Friday break they will be affected by, I really dunno what is gonna happen to them... well, will just see...

oh, my problem with a certain issue i mentioned a while ago.. is sort of settled... turned out.. easier than i expected? well, i can only attribute all that to God... If i dun have Him as my refuge... i dunno, i suppose i'll now be in another bout of blues? lol....

well, i wonder how i'll keep myself occupied tonite.... :) maybe i can start some work... *fingers-crossed* Good Friday is approaching, think i do need to take some time off and contemplate again... when was the last time i contemplated about things? hmm..... well, its time.....

God's Formula for Fatigue

How does your day end? You resist sleep as long as possible because you love being awake, where every moment demands to be savored? Or do you crash and burn, dying to say hello to the pillow?

I dunno about you. Usually, its the latter for me. I have been perpectually tired, exhausted, drained, zapped out, zonked of late... Partly because I am stressed, on the verge of falling sick (which i am now)... but the root? I need a break.. I need rest.... rest from all these stuff I'm carrying on my back...

Wat stuff? Wanting to be a good (to the point of perfect) teacher; wanting to be someone my frens want around; wanting success in my relationships with people....

Jesus tells me "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Tkae my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matt 11:28,29

"Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts" Heb 4:7b

Does it mean that if I place my burdens and 'stuff' with Him, I will not be weary? Don't I still have to face the challenges? The students? My frens? Is His rest all-encompassing that I will find rest? Yeah, I noe I will find the peace in having faith that He is in control... but its just so difficult to put them down. I'm so used to holding my life together by myself... or maybe that's why i've been tired.... *chuckle* oh.... how silly we can be... when we 'noe' what to do, but our hands hold on so tightly... *sighz*

i need a massage.... lol.....

recuperating.....

still sick.... had been trying to sleep, but i tink i've slept so much that i can't sleep anymore!!! so, life is just... boring... just working on my LP and pwpt til i'm goggy, den its food and food and more food... gosh, how can a sick person eat so much? i dunno.. but apparently it happens!!! now i noe wat they mean by 'starve a fever, feed a flu'... would i prefer the former (since it helps me lose a few pounds? *chuckle*) nah... i'd rather be well!! its just funny how my ML gals keep wanting to be sick, or in hospital, etc.. just so they don't have to go to school, and get people to give them attention. no matter how i try to explain to them that we really need to be thankful for good health, well... i dun blame them. when i was their age, i also thought of being in hospital, etc.. so pple can come and pity me and care for me. *chuckle* hope they will outgrow that soon and learn to be thankful!!

missed the seminar in the day cos there wasn't any way i cld have gone out in that condition. in the afternoon, i almost missed my session with the ML gals. but i just couldn't leave them alone. when i went out, i was still so stoned i don't noe what was going around me. *chuckle* but thankfully, the walk out did do me some good. in church, something really sweet happened. when the gals knew i was sick but couldn't bear to leave them with another group (cos we are one week behind time... :-P) they actually gathered together and said "Thank you Xueting.." i was like... 'huh? wat for?' i mean.. i felt appreciated. sometimes they look so bored or blur during the sessions i wondered if i was doing them any good.. but what they did... really made my day... :)

so wats with today? hmm.... 'idleness' and 'fulfilment'. 'Idleness' because i'm so unproductive, hardly have anything done. cldn't even sleep anymore simply because i slept too much, but yet can't really work cos i get a headache.. so basically, i'm bored doing... nothing... 'Fulfilment' because i feel like what i've put in does matter. and that... we can do so much (or little, but at least something) in other people's lives.

more LP tonite... i'm doing it by faith that i'll recover by monday to conduct the classes. just hoping i'll be well enough to play the flute for service tom....

i need to start work....

have spent my time fiddling with this blog thing... getting the different things set up, the song, the review, etc etc... EC refuse to teach me how to change the color of the words!! hmph! ke ke ke....

okiez lah.. gotta start work with hi-tech farming oredi.. *yawn* wat an 'interesting' life....

a day spent at home doing.... nothing....

thot i'll come back and work on next week's lesson... but was too tired... and just din feel well enough to do it. today is a rare rare rare day where i got to be home all by myself all afternoon.. :) enjoyed the silence and peace for a while... see.. now my mom nagging and scolding me for eating cup noodles for dinner... lol

speaking of which, yeah i might be sick, but wat did i have for dinner? cup noodles, biscuits, and now just opened the big pack of M&Ms. am i trying to kill myself? i dunno.. just not tinking.. :-P mommy not here no one to take care of me mah.... *chuckle* well, now that she's home... caring takes the form of nagging? :-P its no fun being a mom!!! easier to just take care of terrapins... *chuckle*.. speaking of which.. i shld go out and get their foodie oredi... ke ke ke...

i need a break....

tink i'm falling sick... backache, sore throat... looks like my antibodies are fighting a battle with the virus... lol... i hope the former wins... *whine*

finally get my engine moving a little and started on some work.. not much, but at least, the engine has restarted.

more work this weekend... tom going to the GTA seminar, it kindof saved me from the 0715 to 1830 Speech Day and Carnival in my school. hope i can see more familiar faces i haven't seen since the 1 Mar. Miss my frens. :)

happy thing for today: keiki and cookie are eating... vege... yeah... figured that out from inspecting urm.... watever mess there is in the water when i came home. :) now i dun have to worry for them.. but alas, just realize we ran out of vege today. shall go buy them more foodie after a nap and when the rain stops... :)

still exhausted.....

why am i perpectually exhausted since wednesday!?!?! gosh...

staff meeting today was on funfair.... the only thing i had on my mind... i'm so sleepy i just wanna go home an KO.. which i did.. but still... it wasn't enough!! i'm still exhausted!!!

anywayz, after my nap was out for dinner with BYN at pasir ris. this place called .. some fisherman place? its really nice, by the beach, with the sea waves crashing against the beach and all... best of all the breeze... and the quiet and calmness... food wasn't fantastic.. but with such an environment, i'm not complaining. well... but hear ye hear ye, its only nice and quiet on WEEKDAYS, not weekends, dun say i neva inform.... :-P

still can't get myself to do anywork!! really looking forward to the weekend. hope i can really rest and get recharged for the next week.. if not.... haiz.. there is not if nots.... :) gonna hit the sack soon.... yes.. its only 10, and i took a nap.. but... i'm.... juuuuusssst exxxxhaussssted.....

getting lazy blogging....

i am doing my relief classes than teaching cos most of my classes today are cancelled due to a temporal change in timetable. so am i a relief teacher? *chuckle* i dunno.

ran abt 3km this morn before school... plus watever that ahppened this morn left me completely exhausted. was taking my music class... some bunch of monkeys (one of them calls himself that, so its not me!!) came and disturb my class from outside my takng my students' shoes and jumping up and down the window showing monkey faces. my students were so distracted i had no choice but to go out and handle them, much as i noe the moment i walk towards the door, they will run off.... drats... managed to stop them when they are back with their class... and the boy who claimed to be the one taking the shoes actaully spoke to me in a very hostile (to the point of threatening) manner!! reading behind the words he chose, he was threatening to beat me up!!! *faint* what has this world gotten into!!! and his classmates can just laugh behind.... sighz... i try to tell myself not to get personally affected by this... but i'm still trying... what is the world getting into? GOSH GOSH GOSH!!

change in timetalbe last minute means that i dun have to take the 70 mins class i wasn't prepared for today!! *chuckle* i almost stayed up late last nite to prepare for it!! in a sense, fortunately i did not. :-P it was strange cos even tho i only had last nite (and this morn) to prepare for the lesson, i told myself i must go for the worship practise in church because i wanna give thanks to God for carrying me through... praise Himm for His faithfulness... even if it means putitng aside my work to the next day (where i'll have to rush a bit). i'm not saying i always dump my work and just go for practises.. but its just this week. i suppose God sees my heart and *chuckle* i'm blessed with no lesson for the class today!! :-P but of course.... i will work on the lesson lah!

just absolutely exhausted from wat happened this morn... tink will go back and knock out later... gona talk to fren now.....