oh.. did i add...? now i have 32 periods. period.

significant things happened...

i heard 'surprising' things from DR tis evening. 'surprising' for good for me in the long run. a little too busy to tink abt things... but i noe things are turning out rite in turn. :)

lost one side of my earring.

came up with 2 SOW for music. got more to do. just finished reading 2 classes' feedback on their impression of music and wat they are interested in.

english still sucks.. the extra classes, the setting of papers... etc etc.. when i'm clueless...

still putting on weight.. for no rhyme or reason?

tt has been my life in short. mua ha ha.

ups n downs again....

started off alright today. later heard something that reconfirmed that God had really put me in PL. classes were not bad. i actually feel inspired to tailor-make curriculum for each class (but tt'll be crazy). but....

the meeting at the end of the day... sianz again.. more stuff thrown at me last minute... english.. i hate teaching english... sighz... i pray and i pray that it'll be taken away from me next year... Lord, please dun put me on 'trial' and 'test' leh.... :-P

exhausted.... and a little down.. but very managable type of down...

i just cried a river.....

gonna keep this short, but tink i shld put this in:

its been an overwhelming day. many things on my mind... etc... things in school... i tried to keep focus.. tried to rem my purpose.. but cldn't see it.. i knew i'll need a cry tonite alone.. but i din noe i'll cry a river.

thanks for all the support from my frens.. sandfly, bong, js, G. actually somehow sometimes wat pple 'say' wldn't really 'help' alleviate the stuff completely. i needed christian fellowship. i needed someone to carry me through with God. when G called.. i cried til i cldn't breathe. when was the last time tt happened? 2 years ago, the jerk episode (or so G remembered). but it was all good.. to talk.. to cry.. and to pray. thanks sis. i needed that. christian fellowship carries with it an althogether different level of support, somehow. and i do miss that a bit. Oh, dun worry, if/when ur turn comes a couple of months later, i'll be by the fon gal. *smile* thanks.

I can only learn to rely more on my Daddy. sighz.. its back to work. but now not with the overwhelmed feeling i had. thanks Daddy. *smile*

OVER... WHELMED...

ups n downs....

went for my induction in PL early in the morning. surprisingly, it ended earlier than i expected. was a little excited about starting school... however, looking at my workload, i began to feel a little overwhelmed and apprehensive. it didn't help i got news that there will be NO FREE saturdays because i'm doing GB for CCA. not even ONE... meaning.. i can't go diving OCCASSIONALLY... tt ate into me for a while.. i have to pray... for love.. and for peace... still a little down when i tink of it now..

but thankfully i'm seated beside Hwee Choo, Stev's wife. She's one of my mentor. Dun really noe her that well.. but looks like.. things may change. its quite funny cos she was more than willing to loan me her notebook for lessons (cos she doesn't really use it?) its not supposed to go to stev's ears.. so E... please.. *chuckles*

came back home. tried to nap a bit.. but failed.. but rested a little. was a little too demoralized to start work.. met up w sandfly earlier before meeting randy and gang. we walked adn walked and walked.. from raffles city.. to suntec (the other end).. and back to raffles city.. shopping while waiting to meet randy et. al for dinner.. but that boy... he was SO LATE!!! i was so famished in the end i simply did not have strength to walk back to suntec from raffles city.. we decided that sandfly n i will hv dinner on our own at raffles city before meeting them for a drink later. felt much better after having our dinner at 9 plus!!! (*grumble grumble*) simply famished... Along the way.. i picked out ANOTHER bikini. lol.. this time round a white crochet one.. dunno if i'll get the chance to wear it. the thot that i can't go away during weekends.. makes me a little bleah again.. not knowing when i'll get to wear it!! but den.. no choice lah.. i really like it!! :-P

met up with randy and gang finally. feeling quite sianz abt work.. and well.. whoever... but its really managable. :) went up to the watever bar at mt faber again. this time round, i realized the price of the drinks are actually not cheap!! more exp than like harry's even!! and no live music!! gosh.. wat do pple pay for the view.. prob one of the last few times i'll go up there. nice to have you back randy!! miss u big bro.

in any case, i shld be sleeping now.. gotta be up early for church tom.. and den its back home to do last min touching up (actually not even the stage of touching up... lol) of work. feeling a little mixed up abt starting... expectant... but yet apprehensive.... hmmmm

cab cab cab...

silly 62 took like 20 minutes.. still no bus in sight.. ended up cabbing to school. den in school... one gal not feeling well.. the other two gonna be late, so the mom says will fetch them straight to goldhill. another one? can't contact. another one? called me earlier in the morn to say she can't make it.. so why do i even go to school for? might as well just go straigth to gold hill... so silly.. so in the end... took cab alone to goldhill center...

prac was scheduled at 1pm. dunno wat happened.. ended up starting at 2pm. meaning.. ended late at 4 instead of 3. anywayz in the extra hour we had, i brought some gals out and got them mackies. supposed to go see M's daughter... but cos of the delay.. so cant. at the end of the prac, only 2 gals left cos one had to leave at 3. so funny those gals. gotta get them to relax and groove.. but they are not used to grooving.. so not too natural w the performance yet.. but alas we have THREE more gals to 'fix'.. and we are so running out of time.. the gals are so busy i seriously duno how to arrange for more practises.

went for a long overdue hair cut. came back for a run. supposed to meet up w my jc pals.. but too tired.. further have to finish up my worksheets.. still clueless abt wat to teach for music... hmm...

so far so good.. pretty kept in task. tom is an entire day of induction. den meeting Randy n grp for dinner and maybe a drink.. end of spending seasion. lol...

slowly getting the hang of things... pretty enjoyed the company w the PL gals. they are a mischevious bunch. just like my ML gals. i feel good with them. :) still dunno how i'll fit into PL. wait til next week den see... :-/

yeah.. next sun starting my canoeing course. heard the water at kallang is horrible.. bleah

Today... ... ...

Jeremiah 9: 23, 24
This is what the LORD says:
"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength
or the rich man boast of his riches,
but let him who boasts boast about this:
that he understands and knows me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight,"
declares the LORD.

My journal exactly 4 years ago... ....

Location: Methodist Center, Phnom Pehn, on my bed
Date: 25 June 2000
Time: 1414hr
Day from Singapore: 13

Yup. Today is my day of rest. Thank God for this time and this day. Today is the church's 1st anniversary. Can't believe that just one year ago I was here with Pam and Raj, should be carnival time now last year?

Comparatively speaking, it is so quiet here now. On the bed, with the fan, just taking time off from all the hustle, people - students, team, emails... I know why I am here for, and I thank God for reminding me time and time again though I may forget.

Witnessed the infant (not quite infants) baptism of 3 children just now - 2 of them are Reid's (the guard). Amazing to see how God has touched lives here. Well during the baptism, this lady (I think she's a cleaner?) just interrupted Pastor and wanted her 2 teenager sons baptized. Oh boy, they haven't even been through the classes. This place is just full of surprises.

During the youth session today, Santik and Seng distributed chocs (bought by Doris) for them. I was thinking of letting the youths take them first. But Li Diant told me to just take it. Reason: they are too used to be on the receiving end from Singaporeans. Well, learnt that we shldn't 'give too much' in a sense such that they look to us as providers.

During lunch, Carol Ong and Li Diang teased me about Bun Theong. Said they are 'creating opportunities' for us. Good grief!! Said he's tall enough, 2nd year in U, older. Siao! But its really funny. In return, Carol Ong kena the 'Wang2 Sian1 Shen1). Hee!

Actually supposed to make chui guay. Bought the ingredients already. But!! realised I didn't have the recipte. Recipe is coming with the letter [with got lost along the way]. Hee. Too bad! Figured God wants me to honor this time of rest with Him. :) Just read Marianne's and Geraldine's mail. Things at home church is going great. Praise God!

Downing a load of pineapple tarts while typing this....

have been feeling a cocktail of bleah, bored, sianz, sad, sighz, since afternoon. No, its not PMS. Its way too early for that to set in.

Possible reasons? Lets see....
1. School's starting, so no more 'freedom' I get to enjoy
2. Some silly things happening in school plus the pressure that i dunno wat to teach/stuff to prepare
3. Frustration over a relationship
4. the lack of 'adrenaline-inducing' activities i've been used to for the past month.

All these added up.... yup, the perfect cocktail of emotions. Surely there's a better way of looking at things. Yes there is. Its just that I'm not looking at things the right perspective at the moment. I'm getting a little 'used' to my current lifestyle. Nothing wrong with my lifestyle. Except, it is how i value things in my lifestyle tt's where the problem lies. Its been a lot of doing and doing and doing. One thing after another. Good things have happened. I had lotsa fun. I learnt lotsa new things. I've stepped up to the challenges i've set for myself. But perhaps, there has been too much 'I' in the picture. Perhaps why I'm feeling this way has been because i'm too focused on 'I'. There are many more important things out there.. many more important people out there.. ONE most important focus, my ABBA, all of which had been hidden beneath the 'I'. Does it mean that I wldn't feel watever I'm feeling now if this 'I' be hidden behind the cross? *ponders* I suppose I wld still feel the cocktail, except, i'll be able to handle them in a constructive manner? *ponders*

In any case, I got some stuff done today. Sent out two out of the three emails I wanted to. Did my geog pwpt n worksheets. Finally the frustration, boredness and angst got into me in the afternoon decided to pay sandfly a visit at the orchid country club where she's having her staff retreat. she almost fly me kite when i reach AMK. Nonetheless, i went there and waited for her... in her room.. listening to some MP3 and reading my national geography (first time i flipped open the jun issue!!). Thankfully, the quiet time away from home, in the 'hotel-room' setting was good to give me a feeling of being away from it all... we had a long conversation at the pool thereafter with her fren Nancy as well.. Talked abt relationships... talked abt guys who can't commit... talked abt school... talked abt diving.... it was nice to be out.... however... the cab fare wasn't a joke. cos it was late plus the place was ulu... had to call in a cab. i am 24 bucks poorer.... no kidding!!!

now just tired... tom hv to bring students out for the prac again. the instructor did get back to me. in a diplomatic fashion as well... communication is key... tt's one of my belief in life.. and i'm glad its present in this case. :)

end of boring blog... maybe its time i work on my 'I'.... sighz...

procrastinating...... ....... .......

yeah... i'm quite a procrastinator.... wat are some things i've delayed thus far? lets see....

1. an email i tink i owe a fren to explain some stuff
2. an email to Polly in Cambodia
3. an email to the teammates who went to Cambodia
4. tidying up my room
5. work
6. work
7. work
8. work
9 - infinity. work

its been a 'bleah' nite. struggling to be happy and to look at things on the bright side. wat happened? wrote an email to the music instructor. din scold him. just told him in the most diplomatic manner possible wat my view are. i hope he takes it objectively. other than that, got news from someone in my church (who is not even in PL!!!) that the music co-ord in my sch said i din wanna help out in the school musical. HELLO!!! i neva did say i dun wanna help out. i'm just asking two days off this week so i can prepare my syllabus. why has that been misinterpreted to something else? worse... word got round within 24 hours to unrelated pple? *sighz* worship prac tonite, i was looking forward to playing the piano... its been months.. but noooooo...... i dun get to play the piano. i'm on keyboard again because of some hiccups. so... disappointing...

in any case, dinner with D was pretty good. Teochew porridge. Healthy? well... not when i met EC for supper at coffee club. We were so 'bleah' and 'sianz' basically we stopped thinking and ordered a mudpie, a brownie, two freezes and finished EVERYTHING. this is... not good..... catching up w EC tho is good. when was the last time i saw that gal? weeks? hmm... before i left for cambodia, tt'll be more than 2 weeks back... soon, we'll be busy again... i'd better get my emails done... and my life tidied up. i can't afford to be blue one moment and nonchalant the other. *smilez*

Finally, I'm starting work....

Had been suffering from a bout of 'sian-ness' after the high from all the trips. Had been going back to school last two days to do some work. Today, finally, I manage to get myself seated down in front of the computer to start work. As in, really start work.

Its been a long while since I've been doing this. Sitting in front of the monitor, doing powerpoints etc. Not my favorite task seriously because I suck when it comes to IT. Well, still, its my work and I have to put in my best. :) Suddenly recalled I have to come up with my music syllabus as well as worksheets for all my geography etc. *laughs* oh well... tt's life. Really gonna miss the fun I had in the past month. Did really lotsa stuff. ANd i'm serously thankful for the break I have. Anywayz, as i have learnt, work hard and play hard. Its time to work hard. :) altho.... I'm trying to be careful not to forget that my profession is more than just 'work'. Its also abt passion and love. I could easily fall into the trap of becoming task oriented, forgetting my calling to love my little ones. :) hmm... *ponders*

not sure how life is gonna be like once school reopens. getting readjusted is definitely gonna be tough... but inevitable. no more late nites... no more late nite suppers.. no more going to bars for music as and when i like to... but there will be new things to occupy me w. the school musical coming up in july, coaching students for the music IT competition in july too, i dunno wat else... oh, of course, calling up the IT music instructor to scold him for being so irresponsible making my life miserable and wasting my gals' and my time!!! all these 'new' stuff.... well... at least tt adds to variety? :) [looking on the bright side of life *laughs* while looking forward to the next hols!!]

alamak, i dun even noe wat i'm talking about oredi. just glad tt i'm slowly getting started and not 'drifting' ard in my high. argh.. now i can't get back to work.. tink i shall rest awhile before meeting Dawn tonite and prac in church. wanna go for run leh.. but looks like the haze from indonesia is back..... bleah. oh... and i must rem to go and scold the instructor... nicely... *laughs*

I tink i can get addicted to scubadiving....

one word to describe:

AWESOME!!!

So many things to write.. but alas, so many things happened within the short time frame i can't recall loads of them!! Now I understd wat DR means when he mentions tt one will be kept occupied when going for a dive. Too tired to say too much too esp while the 'high' effect (certainly not from nitrogen i hope!!) is still sticking ard my head making me smile as and when.

What I like abt it in short:
1. the people. Fabulous bunch of pple. learnt from them:
2. you work hard and u play hard.
3. focus. Diving is really a lot of concentration, so much so, there is no room to think of silly things or worries etc while under. *smile*
4. the satisfaction in completely each task esp for a non-water baby like muaz.

Love the bunch of pple i went w. Love my instructor Jaki (absolutely funny!!). Love my DM Don (love him even more esp when i float away... urm up!!! gosh). Love my pals (who show me so much love and encouragement when i'm go jittery). Love the gay group (gay master and slaves alike lol).

Just hanging out and forgetting about things in Singapore is great. :) May blog more after the terribly needed rest... ... ... ... *drifting away to my bed.... *

overly excited giraffe!!

yeah. yesterday's pool session went well... thanks for all the support i got from pple ard me and the patient guidance of my instructor. i really like my instructor cos he's quite a sweetie as in he's very assuring in trying to encourage... very sweet to E too... nice boy. the funny thing is that he's actually from the same secondary sch as muaz, two years my senior. according to him, my elder sis shld noe him since.. he was quite notorious? watever...

hvn't been able to wake up late despite late nites. not sure why. maybe im used to the early mornings in cambodia. i find myself waking up at 7, or 8 in the morn, unable to fall asleep. partly i was nervous yesterday (due to the 'impending' pool session), this morn, i'm excited. so excited i hardly got ANYTHING done today except laundry. other than day... its a day wasted packing? yeah.. i dun usually take a day to pack!!! wats w me.. gosh.

i'm quite excited abt the dive. i seriously dunno wat to expect. partly i'm worried cos of the tasks we have to perform to clear the test for certification. partly, i'm curious, because i dunno wat to expect under the sea. is it really gonna be an eye-opener? i've seen a lot on land... rivers and waterfalls,e tc... dun get me wrong. i love them... whenever i go trekking i get reminded of God... :) looking at the trees.. the leaves.. the termites' nests, etc... the sound of rivers remind me of songs of praise we sing during worship sessions... but under the sea? its gonna be something really new. so i'm looking forward to it.

other than that, this activity has been chosen as a challenge to myself. see i'm very weak (to the point of 'moronic') in these areas... spatial, psychomotor, coordination, technical stuff... so this is a good challenge for myself to do something i'm not good in. i tink it may help me to learn to grasp things from new perspectives... not tt i'll excel in it.. but i tink it'll help in my cognitive processing to inject new dimensions to it... other than that, i tink it is impt esp as a teacher tt i challenge myself. how can i challenge my students to learn... when i'm unwilling to try things i'm weak in? yeah, i'm saying this now cos i'm not as demoralized as the previous nites. but i tink it is crucial tt even in the midst of being demoralized, one shld not stop trying.. i hope i can tell myself this in many other things in the future... hmmm.....

gonna spend time catching up with sandfly. :) also gonna spend time to talk to a fren... frenships... just like dark chocolate.. bitter sweet.. cos none of us are perfect.. hmmm....

yeah, EC and Thamps going to my church next sunday!!! looking forward to seeing u gals... tho tt day will mean... SCHOOL STARTS OFFICIALLY THE DAY AFTER!!! i'm gonna miss all the running ard i got to do... :)

SO EXHAUSTED!!!

but silly EC forcing me to download a song from her NOW and to listen to the song NOW!!! Evil.... I"M SO TIRED!!!

but its been good.. cos the pool session turned out very well!! in fact my instructor even commented once 'impressive'.... actually i'm very happy with my 'performance' today. managed to stay calm and clear minded. Thank God. Also, thanks G, E, Sandfly, et al. Thanks for all ur encouragement.. in my nervousnes and all.. i'm really touched. :)

hee.. i'm very happy tonite.. oh, EC and Pui bought me the nike singlet i've been looking high and low for!!! thanks gals!! *muaks*

shucks while updating the blog she sent me another one!! i better make this a fast one.. before more comes..

i made another boo boo.. i thot we are going to meet at lucky plaza... but NO!!! its newton. luckily G informed me.. if not.. mua ha ha. i dare not think. :-P

demoralized....

had my pool session for scuba yesterday... came home feeling really exhausted n demoralized... demoralized cos one, my buddy can't join me in the deep blue. two, i suck!! I SUCK BIG TIME!!! was so extremely slow... tasks were tough to handle... and trying... AM SERIOUSLY TRYING.... got a second session laterz... haiz... nonetheless... I"LL TRY!!!

oh.. doesn't help my broadband connection is completely done since yesterday... #*$#^(* using my darn slow dialup.. which, i can't when my sis is online/on the fon. being perpectually online 24-7 (okiez tt's exageration), but used to being online all thro my waking hours (sometiems when i'm concussed too) makes it hell for me... adding on to the pool session!!! ARGH!!!! *wrenching out hair*

I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT!!

I had a wonderful conversation w G last nite...

G and I have come a long way... very very long. Its hard to imagine that I was her Sunday School teacher!!! How time has passed, and how this gal has matured. Well, there's still room for improvement... ;) but isn't that the case for every single one of us? :)

Yesterday G 'confronted' me on an issue I never dared to really share with her. Because of our differences in personalities and methods of handling certian matters, I fear telling her what I'm going through. Its nice to be able to talk things out with a fren without trying to hide some things... And I'm glad she asked. :) SO that we can both clarify our doubts and thoughts and all.... and also at the same time learn to accept each other as we are. Now I'm really glad I can share an important portion of my life with her.... because I no longer fear 'rejection' in a certain manner. :)

In any case, G said something which really really touched me yesterday. She said that she thinks that I deserve better. It was such an 'aw........' moment. Hey gal, you might think that i'm kicking a fuss out of it... but seriously, it really encouraged me, and give me a sense of self worth I haven't heard for a long time. And that coming from you, counts even much much more. I wish I can be there for you the way you have been for me, but sometimes I seriously dunno wat to do or say. *smile*

I remember a post i published months ago on friendship... this is wat i mean by true frenship. being there and doing one's best for the other. (urm, different from imposing!) its not about the frequency of meeting up, of talking, but its being there and noeing that the other will be there whenever. We've come a long way to learn this ey? ;)

well.... now i'm seriously very very sleepy from the late conversation... but den... alas i'm used to waking up early!! drats!! tink might just take a nap later... and of course,... preparation for school. Oh yes, i'll hv to call up PL to fix up something later.... oh.. and of course there's the pool session... eeks... the 10 min 'floatation trick'!!! i'll be this idiot floating on my back for 10 mins!!! BLEAH! lol... *yawnz*

I'm home.....

Have yet to consolidate my thoughts for this entire trip.

It has been a good trip for all the participants. How so? I see that everyone has been touched by God through the children. Eyes have also been opened to see the needs of many others... things we have taken for granted... A shelter to go back to, knowing and having a choice of when to have our next meal(s), bug-free beds, accessible drinking water, variety of food, peace.... and the list goes on. It is only my prayer that what has been seen, heard and felt will remain in each heart, and spread beyond. I believe that once one sees these, their lives will never be the same again. And I'm really joyful for the many eyes that have been opened.

It has been a good trip for myself. Not 'impactful'. But good. How so? Firstly, I am glad to be involved in the youths' lives in sharing the experience of Cambodia and all with them. I'm surprised by how one or two of them actually looked up to me in the area of missions. I mean, seriously, sometimes I think I've sort of 'screwed up' my life, been an 'unholy' and nonchalant Christian. But yet, God has been merciful to me. This gives me more impetous to go back to my Abba's heartbeat for the world. To remember what is on His mind and heart. Suddenly the minute things in my life pales in comparison to the things that count for eternity.

Second reason why it has been good for me... As mentioned, I'm reminded of the many needs and cries out in the world... Two years away from missions has been replaced by many little things in life that has distracted me. The all-familiar feeling came back to me... It took a bit of adjustment. First two days in Cambodia i was like "Gosh, all these bugs, etc etc... I wonder how I can take it if I'm going to be here long term..." With each day that passes, I begin to feel at home once again. I begin to see the many lives again. I begin to see how each can be transformed to one filled with assurance and eternal joy... I begin to see how it is all worth it. I questioned my bong srey who's there, how she could be away from home, and settle here for the children. Her reply was that, she's not a 'capable' person. But, its all about obedience. If she says that she loves God, she'll want to serve Him. And this is how she does it. If the Lord calls again, can I do it? My prayer is that I will say, "Yes Lord, I'll go..." For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21

So what next? I challenged my new godbrother and a few other youths. What next? I pose myself the same question. Frankly I have no idea. Still consolidating my thoughts. But its definitely good to be out there in the field again, to see how the Lord is continuously working, to look beyond the myopic perspective again. :)

Giraffe in Kampuchea....

specially brought over from the savannas... lol....

According to my diving instructor....

diving is all abt... being... "GLAM"!! lol