Is that all there is to life?

I'm fine. I'm not upset. I'm not down. Life is just moving, not smoothly, no one's life is, but ok. Can manage. Work's work. Takes up most of my time, but that's that. Learnt to be detached somewhat. Health, not fantastic, but no major problems. But is that all there is to life?

I'm a horrid horrid christian.

I still cant stand my sister. I had a 'breeze' for a month when she's away at my other sister's place. No territorial battles. I get to sleep with ventilation, in peace. No worries about being late in the morning cos there's someone stuck in the toilet bowl reading the papers. Its all ending tonight. She's back. I don't know how to call her my sister. Her presence just bothers me. Day or night. As long as she's there. I'm not even indifferent to her. I don't like her. I'm not sure if I hate her. But I don't care about her existence. Its better if she doesn't exist in my life. Is that hatred already?

Sunday service. I was so horridly late. I arrived at the portion they were about to end the singing portion of worship. People were standing, praying, and praying, and praying. I just stood there, hoping that they can quickly finish that bit, so I can sit down, and talk to ana beside me. I wasn't paying attention during sermon. I turned up for church just because I should?

I've stopped praying for my gals. I've stopped praying for many things. I've stopped praying. During a gals' meeting last weekend, I felt no excitement even tho the other ladies were to excited sharing about His goodness in their lives, learning from the HIllsongs conference CD. I was just thinking 'what on earth am i doing here? i could be elsewhere. why am i here? to catch up with friends? because i should because there's a need for fellowship?' i felt hypocritical (do i?) when i prayed in our smaller groups. I was sincere when i prayed for the other two gals, but i had no choice, its weird to be quiet throughout prayer time. i was sincere, but, yet, i felt weird praying.

i tried singing along with CDs. to be 'inspired'. but no.

ok. don't tell me that i'm doing too much using my own human efforts. its not me. its Him. I know that. But then, so how then?

i noe there's more to life than this. i noe i'm like real horrid. but its so hard to move on. i've tried. but ... somehow i'm back to square one. perhaps i do need some group accountability thing. but, well, see, there's like no difference when i was in the gals' meeting during the weekend. i was excited about the prospects of living a victorious life in Him. Knowing Him. Being His channel of blessing. but i'm so so so so far from that.

i don't know what i'm ranting. beause, i'm just moving and moving along in life. but i knoe there is more. but i don't know how to get there. period.