silence for a long while because...

the baby is out.... its been close to 6 weeks.... 6 weeks ago, this time, i just left my parents' place after cooking lunch (fried orh mee and kang kong) for them... now knowing that in the evening... labor would commence, and little JE would be out in the middle of the night...

it had been a turmoil since he was out... many major decisions and hence changes were made to our lives, things we neva expected all within the 40+ days. we did not want a confinement nanny. one week into his birth, we engaged one. we neva thot we'll need a helper, she's now with us for almost a week (this evening would be a week).

Many things i miss so much about the past. i cried loads... but there are also many good things that arose from JE's birth:
1. FM and i got to know how deep our love for each other is. its so true.. u get to know the depth of one's love when you get thrown into deep waters.
2. we've never been so desperate for God in our lives. in the early days, we cried and prayed to God every morning and evening.
3. God showed us his goodness and faithfulness so abundantly. truely, they are new every morning... His timing is perfect:
- we did not plan for a baby this particular month. but we got him during this month. it coincides with FM's hols. JE came out just when FM's hols began, slightly earlier than EDD, but full term, so that FM gets to spend the most time with us. otherwise, i'd have fallen into depression..
- we did not plan for a confinement nanny. one week into JE"s birth, we were falling apart, esp me. last min, a friend came by God's divine appt, suggested getting a nanny. its the dragon year season. it'll be virtually impossible to get one. we got one by the next day. she did drive us nuts, but it was crucial for her to be aroud for us to rest, for me to recover physically, and for us to make the next big decision.
- we did not plan for a helper. along the way, we realized, we needed a helper. and God provided a perfect one for us... in the perfect timing. she's got experience with young babies. her biodata came in on the very day we went to interview aother transfer maid. she could come in shortly after the nanny left. we get to spend 3 days alonne with JE again to get to know him more before she arrives. she arrived one week before FM goes back to work so tht we can work with her/ orientate her tog before he starts work.
4. today it occured to me, i got to know myself better. days ago, i got to know how weak i am... today i realized somethig abt myself. i always had an image of what kindof mom i'll be. i realize, i am not that kind of mom. it is just not me... and now its realizing and accepting that. i thought i'll be like my mom... or my sis... den i realize, that's not me.... self discovery again....

what holds ahead i dunno. i'm glad to find time to write this down.... becaause in the midst of these flux, there are many thoughts and lessons that come and go. and i'm thankful i get to note them down before i forget.... His goodnesss...